I wish I could punch you in the face.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
What drink are we having for lunch?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
