Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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