Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
