This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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