Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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