I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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