Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
