Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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