just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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