never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
