I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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