Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Randomize
