shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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