Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
