so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
