i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
