I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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