So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
