Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
