Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
