tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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