she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just found puke in my bra..
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
