i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
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Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
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Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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