I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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