Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize