this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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