A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think my nap took me to another dimension
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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