john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Operation Purity has been aborted
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
