took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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