I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
