so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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