I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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