she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
