the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
