is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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