so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
