just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
