It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
