Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
