"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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