I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
