why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
