I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
