i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
