I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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