Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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