I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
