Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
