you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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