I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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