... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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