I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
