he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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