quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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